� Conversations need room to grow if they are to reach
their full potential. Research shows that we spend a
lot less time talking to people close to us than we
imagine. Yet oddly, when a conversation is really
working well, the time seems to fly by.
� Make conversations like dancing: a two-way
partnership, with neither side dominating.
� The 'stitch in time' rule applies to communication as well.
Studies show that many of our more 'difficult' conversations
(the ones that turn into battles) could be avoided by
staying in more regular contact. In other words, a
chat a day can keep the arguments at bay.
� Every conversation is a potential learning experience.
We can all make our lives richer by understanding the
experiences of others. Having a conversation with
someone is like exploring the pages of an
encyclopedia full of valuable knowledge.
� How other people see you greatly influences how
they approach you in conversation. If there
are negative sides to your reputation as a
communicator, work hard to change them.
� Try to avoid the Blame Game. Use "I"
statements rather than "you" statements when
talking about your thoughts and feelings.
� Unless you're able to recognize your own feelings,
you won't be able to express them clearly and be open
with other people. If you are not able to recognize
other people's feelings, you'll only ever
understand part of their picture.
� Many misunderstandings arise from faulty
assumptions about all kinds of facts and feelings.
So when in doubt, say what you mean and
encourage the other person to do the same.
Hinting isn't good enough.
� Blaming the other person for not understanding
you - or for you not understanding them - is pointless.
While you can't be responsible for the other
person's efforts, you can for your own.
� Don't bring up important issues where there isn't
the time to deal with them properly or
if the circumstances are wrong.
� Use the opening part of a conversation to be
up front about why you'd like to talk and what
your main point is. You'll engage the interest of the
other person and help them understand what follows.
� Talk in a way that's about real things, real
experiences and real feelings. Aim to be
the central character of your stories.
� Once the conversation has finished, it's
too late to say the things you left out.
� Regularly summing up what you've said can
transform the quality and accuracy of your
conversations - and instantly eliminate many
of the knock-on problems caused by
misunderstandings.
� Don't just listen to the words, listen to the 'music'
as well, including body language and voice quality.
Also, look for clues in what is not being said.
� Listen with as little prejudice and as few presumptions
as possible. Avoid snap judgments. Let your understanding
develop like the image on a Polaroid film as the information
comes in. Try to avoid responses that are criticisms in
disguise. They are likely to sabotage the conversation.
� Empathy is about demonstrating that you understand.
You can best do this through words that reflect the
other person's meaning. So take care to feed
in plenty of Highlights as you go along.
� Be willing to recognize when you don't understand
or need to know more. The other person
will respect you for your efforts.
� If you're not clear, try, try and try again.
It may not be your 'fault' that you're feeling
fuzzy. It could be that the other person's thoughts
are unclear. Encourage them to be concrete and
specific about all the ingredients of their story.
� From time to time, feed back a summary
of your understanding to confirm
that you've got it right.
� The best decisions are those people reach for
themselves. So be lean on the advice but generous with
the help and support. Men in particular feel the need
to solve other people's problems - especially those of
their partners. This can cause friction when all the
partner wants to do is unload her day's experiences.
� If a conversation is failing to work because of negative
feelings on either side, deal with this issue separately.
� It's an important way to establish and demonstrate
our closeness to people. Also, gossiping is good for you.
It helps you stay in touch with the details that
make daily life easier to organize.
� Offer helpful feedback based on a straightforward
description of the behavior and its impact. Before
you offer advice or guidance, always make
sure you have enough information.
� Being genuine is at the heart of
all worthwhile communication.
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