This one comes from the place where originality is so common and drunk driving is considered a sport. Only Texans think like this.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, stary, summer night) -flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking was lot empty. He pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
My Favorite Song Is...
I don't think anyone really understands the significance of what this song means to me. It's as if this song was written for me at a time when it was needed the most in my mind. When I am sad I sing this song and it makes me smile even if I have tears streaming down my face. It’s a joy to sing this song out loud without worrying that someone is going to be critical or complain about the singing. Some people are easily irritated by many things and I find it sad that they are that way, to me it seems like they miss out on some really special things.
This song talks about the different parts a woman has to play throughout her life and even during her everyday life. To me this song is about the facets that everyone has. Lately I have noticed that people become attached to facets sometimes and forget that there is more to someone besides that sliver or facet. No one is a single facet. The most fascinating person I know is my best friend she is a brilliant diamond (I can see that she radiates love and is a beautiful person inside and out!!!). Diamonds have lots of facets and so it would explain why I find her fascinating. Our conversations are at times so chaotic someone else reading it wouldn’t really understand it at all, but to us it's the way it has always been, with each other we can just be ourselves. *smiles* We tend to learn from each other and about each other. How to cope with different situations, how to be soft and caring, how to be strong and firm, all of these things are important.
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
I hate the world today. You're so good to me,
I know but I can't change. Tried to tell you,
But you look at me like maybe, I'm an angel
underneath, Innocent and sweet.
Yesterday I cried. You must have been relieved
To see the softer side, I can understand how
you'd be so confused, I don't envy you. I'm a
little bit of everything all rolled into one.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child,
I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, and
I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your
dream, I'm nothing in between. You know you
wouldn't want it any other way.
So take me as I am, This may mean you'll
have to be a stronger man. Rest assured that when
I start to make you nervous, And I'm going to
extremes, Tomorrow I will change, And today won't
mean a thing.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child,
I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell,
I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
Just when you think you've got me
figured out, The season's already changin'.
I think it's cool you do what you do And
don't try to save me.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child,
I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell,
I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a Goddess
on my knees. When you hurt, When you suffer, I'm
your angel undercover. I've been numb, I'm revived,
Can't say I'm not alive, You know I wouldn't want
it any other way.
Recently, a few friends remarked that there were changes in recent behavior. They noticed the changes and didn't know how to deal with the new facet. They want the old facet back. We know things are constantly changing no one is the same person that they were 6 months before. Things happen and for whatever reason sometimes people come and go. If and when they return I imagine they think that they can pick up where they left off, sometimes that is and can be the case but in some cases the changes are more than they are comfortable with. Perhaps that is why they want the old facets back...because they were comfortable, in this instance I find that they are only thinking of themselves with no regard to the growing that has happened while they were away. Perhaps they should think about what they need from that facet and see why that was important to them. Asking the following questions might help too...What did that facet do? What caused the change? Isn't it a change for the better? Why am I upset over this change?
I see a trend and it starts with the word *I*. The things that should be asked are Will this new facet need a friend? Will the changes bring great joy and learning? Will the new facet be as fascinating as the old one? There are a lot of things that can be learned about someone and how they deal with change. Sometimes Adapting is the only way to cope. I have learned that to try and be someone else doesn’t work, and to try and go back will not work either. A simple change has at times a far reaching affect it's like dropping a rock in a pond you can see the ripples as the water is forced to move.
Personally I like who I am in this moment, I finally actually like myself...*grins* I just realized that. *smiles* for years I had an intense dislike of and for myself. I wonder when those feelings went away. I have no idea. Do I miss that part of me that allowed the self hate...simply No, I don't. Are there times that I feel like reverting back to what was comfortable? Yes, there are but I try not to because I have made progress with myself and I want to continue to grow.
This song talks about the different parts a woman has to play throughout her life and even during her everyday life. To me this song is about the facets that everyone has. Lately I have noticed that people become attached to facets sometimes and forget that there is more to someone besides that sliver or facet. No one is a single facet. The most fascinating person I know is my best friend she is a brilliant diamond (I can see that she radiates love and is a beautiful person inside and out!!!). Diamonds have lots of facets and so it would explain why I find her fascinating. Our conversations are at times so chaotic someone else reading it wouldn’t really understand it at all, but to us it's the way it has always been, with each other we can just be ourselves. *smiles* We tend to learn from each other and about each other. How to cope with different situations, how to be soft and caring, how to be strong and firm, all of these things are important.
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
I hate the world today. You're so good to me,
I know but I can't change. Tried to tell you,
But you look at me like maybe, I'm an angel
underneath, Innocent and sweet.
Yesterday I cried. You must have been relieved
To see the softer side, I can understand how
you'd be so confused, I don't envy you. I'm a
little bit of everything all rolled into one.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child,
I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, and
I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your
dream, I'm nothing in between. You know you
wouldn't want it any other way.
So take me as I am, This may mean you'll
have to be a stronger man. Rest assured that when
I start to make you nervous, And I'm going to
extremes, Tomorrow I will change, And today won't
mean a thing.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child,
I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell,
I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
Just when you think you've got me
figured out, The season's already changin'.
I think it's cool you do what you do And
don't try to save me.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child,
I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,
and I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell,
I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a Goddess
on my knees. When you hurt, When you suffer, I'm
your angel undercover. I've been numb, I'm revived,
Can't say I'm not alive, You know I wouldn't want
it any other way.
Recently, a few friends remarked that there were changes in recent behavior. They noticed the changes and didn't know how to deal with the new facet. They want the old facet back. We know things are constantly changing no one is the same person that they were 6 months before. Things happen and for whatever reason sometimes people come and go. If and when they return I imagine they think that they can pick up where they left off, sometimes that is and can be the case but in some cases the changes are more than they are comfortable with. Perhaps that is why they want the old facets back...because they were comfortable, in this instance I find that they are only thinking of themselves with no regard to the growing that has happened while they were away. Perhaps they should think about what they need from that facet and see why that was important to them. Asking the following questions might help too...What did that facet do? What caused the change? Isn't it a change for the better? Why am I upset over this change?
I see a trend and it starts with the word *I*. The things that should be asked are Will this new facet need a friend? Will the changes bring great joy and learning? Will the new facet be as fascinating as the old one? There are a lot of things that can be learned about someone and how they deal with change. Sometimes Adapting is the only way to cope. I have learned that to try and be someone else doesn’t work, and to try and go back will not work either. A simple change has at times a far reaching affect it's like dropping a rock in a pond you can see the ripples as the water is forced to move.
Personally I like who I am in this moment, I finally actually like myself...*grins* I just realized that. *smiles* for years I had an intense dislike of and for myself. I wonder when those feelings went away. I have no idea. Do I miss that part of me that allowed the self hate...simply No, I don't. Are there times that I feel like reverting back to what was comfortable? Yes, there are but I try not to because I have made progress with myself and I want to continue to grow.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Little Brier-Rose by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
A king and queen had no children, although they wanted one very much. Then one day while the queen was sitting in her bath, a crab crept out of the water onto the ground and said, "Your wish will soon be fulfilled, and you will bring a daughter into the world." And that is what happened.
The king was so happy about the birth of the princess that he held a great celebration. He also invited the fairies who lived in his kingdom, but because he had only twelve golden plates, one had to be left out, for there were thirteen of them.
The fairies came to the celebration, and as it was ending they presented the child with gifts. The one promised her virtue, the second one gave beauty, and so on, each one offering something desirable and magnificent. The eleventh fairy had just presented her gift when the thirteenth fairy walked in. She was very angry that she had not been invited and cried out, "Because you did not invite me, I tell you that in her fifteenth year, your daughter will prick herself with a spindle and fall over dead."
The parents were horrified, but the twelfth fairy, who had not yet offered her wish, said, "It shall not be her death. She will only fall into a hundred-year sleep." The king, hoping to rescue his dear child, issued an order that all spindles in the entire kingdom should be destroyed.
The princess grew and became a miracle of beauty. One day, when she had just reached her fifteenth year, the king and queen went away, leaving her all alone in the castle. She walked from room to room, following her heart's desire. Finally she came to an old tower. A narrow stairway led up to it. Being curious, she climbed up until she came to a small door. There was a small yellow key in the door. She turned it, and the door sprang open. She found herself in a small room where an old woman sat spinning flax. She was attracted to the old woman, and joked with her, and said that she too would like to try her hand at spinning. She picked up the spindle, but no sooner did she touch it, than she pricked herself with it and then fell down into a deep sleep.
At that same moment the king and his attendants returned, and everyone began to fall asleep: the horses in the stalls, the pigeons on the roof, the dogs in the courtyard, the flies on the walls. Even the fire on the hearth flickered, stopped moving, and fell asleep. The roast stopped sizzling. The cook let go of the kitchen boy, whose hair he was about to pull. The maid dropped the chicken that she was plucking. They all slept. And a thorn hedge grew up around the entire castle, growing higher and higher, until nothing at all could be seen of it.
Princes, who had heard about the beautiful Brier-Rose, came and tried to free her, but they could not penetrate the hedge. It was as if the thorns were firmly attached to hands. The princes became stuck in them, and they died miserably. And thus it continued for many long years.
Then one day a prince was traveling through the land. An old man told him about the belief that there was a castle behind the thorn hedge, with a wonderfully beautiful princess asleep inside with all of her attendants. His grandfather had told him that many princes had tried to penetrate the hedge, but that they had gotten stuck in the thorns and had been pricked to death.
"I'm not afraid of that," said the prince. "I shall penetrate the hedge and free the beautiful Brier-Rose."
He went forth, but when he came to the thorn hedge, it turned into flowers. They separated, and he walked through, but after he passed, they turned back into thorns. He went into the castle. Horses and colorful hunting dogs were asleep in the courtyard. Pigeons, with their little heads stuck under they wings, were sitting on the roof. As he walked inside, the flies on the wall, the fire in the kitchen, the cook and the maid were all asleep. He walked further. All the attendants were asleep; and still further, the king and the queen. It was so quiet that he could hear his own breath.
Finally he came to the old tower where Brier-Rose was lying asleep. The prince was so amazed at her beauty that he bent over and kissed her. At that moment she awoke, and with her the king and the queen, and all the attendants, and the horses and the dogs, and the pigeons on the roof, and the flies on the walls. The fire stood up and flickered, and then finished cooking the food. The roast sizzled away. The cook boxed the kitchen boy's ears. And the maid finished plucking the chicken. Then the prince and Brier-Rose got married, and they lived long and happily until they died.
The king was so happy about the birth of the princess that he held a great celebration. He also invited the fairies who lived in his kingdom, but because he had only twelve golden plates, one had to be left out, for there were thirteen of them.
The fairies came to the celebration, and as it was ending they presented the child with gifts. The one promised her virtue, the second one gave beauty, and so on, each one offering something desirable and magnificent. The eleventh fairy had just presented her gift when the thirteenth fairy walked in. She was very angry that she had not been invited and cried out, "Because you did not invite me, I tell you that in her fifteenth year, your daughter will prick herself with a spindle and fall over dead."
The parents were horrified, but the twelfth fairy, who had not yet offered her wish, said, "It shall not be her death. She will only fall into a hundred-year sleep." The king, hoping to rescue his dear child, issued an order that all spindles in the entire kingdom should be destroyed.
The princess grew and became a miracle of beauty. One day, when she had just reached her fifteenth year, the king and queen went away, leaving her all alone in the castle. She walked from room to room, following her heart's desire. Finally she came to an old tower. A narrow stairway led up to it. Being curious, she climbed up until she came to a small door. There was a small yellow key in the door. She turned it, and the door sprang open. She found herself in a small room where an old woman sat spinning flax. She was attracted to the old woman, and joked with her, and said that she too would like to try her hand at spinning. She picked up the spindle, but no sooner did she touch it, than she pricked herself with it and then fell down into a deep sleep.
At that same moment the king and his attendants returned, and everyone began to fall asleep: the horses in the stalls, the pigeons on the roof, the dogs in the courtyard, the flies on the walls. Even the fire on the hearth flickered, stopped moving, and fell asleep. The roast stopped sizzling. The cook let go of the kitchen boy, whose hair he was about to pull. The maid dropped the chicken that she was plucking. They all slept. And a thorn hedge grew up around the entire castle, growing higher and higher, until nothing at all could be seen of it.
Princes, who had heard about the beautiful Brier-Rose, came and tried to free her, but they could not penetrate the hedge. It was as if the thorns were firmly attached to hands. The princes became stuck in them, and they died miserably. And thus it continued for many long years.
Then one day a prince was traveling through the land. An old man told him about the belief that there was a castle behind the thorn hedge, with a wonderfully beautiful princess asleep inside with all of her attendants. His grandfather had told him that many princes had tried to penetrate the hedge, but that they had gotten stuck in the thorns and had been pricked to death.
"I'm not afraid of that," said the prince. "I shall penetrate the hedge and free the beautiful Brier-Rose."
He went forth, but when he came to the thorn hedge, it turned into flowers. They separated, and he walked through, but after he passed, they turned back into thorns. He went into the castle. Horses and colorful hunting dogs were asleep in the courtyard. Pigeons, with their little heads stuck under they wings, were sitting on the roof. As he walked inside, the flies on the wall, the fire in the kitchen, the cook and the maid were all asleep. He walked further. All the attendants were asleep; and still further, the king and the queen. It was so quiet that he could hear his own breath.
Finally he came to the old tower where Brier-Rose was lying asleep. The prince was so amazed at her beauty that he bent over and kissed her. At that moment she awoke, and with her the king and the queen, and all the attendants, and the horses and the dogs, and the pigeons on the roof, and the flies on the walls. The fire stood up and flickered, and then finished cooking the food. The roast sizzled away. The cook boxed the kitchen boy's ears. And the maid finished plucking the chicken. Then the prince and Brier-Rose got married, and they lived long and happily until they died.
Sleeping Beauty
Once upon a time there was a Queen who had a beautiful baby daughter. She asked all the fairies in the kingdom to the christening, but unfortunately forgot to invite one of them, who was a bit of a witch as well. She came anyway, but as she passed the baby's cradle, she said:
"When you are sixteen, you will injure yourself with a spindle and die!"
"Oh, no!" screamed the Queen in horror. A good fairy quickly chanted a magic spell to change the curse. When she hurt herself, the girl would fall into a very deep sleep instead of dying.
The years went by, the little Princess grew and became the most beautiful girl in the whole kingdom. Her mother was always very careful to keep her away from spindles, but the Princess, on her sixteenth birthday, as she wandered through the castle, came into a room where an old servant was spinning.
"What are you doing?" she asked the servant.
"I'm spinning. Haven't you seen a spindle before?"
"No. Let me see it!" The servant handed the girl the spindle ... and she pricked herself with it and. with a sigh, dropped to the floor.
The terrified old woman hurried to tell the Queen. Beside herself with anguish, the Queen did her best to awaken her daughter but in vain. The court doctors and wizards were called, but there was nothing they could do. The girl could not be wakened from her deep sleep. The good fairy who managed to avoid the worst of the curse came too, and the Queen said to her,
"When will my daughter waken?"
"I don't know," the fairy admitted sadly.
"In a year's time, ten years or twenty?" the Queen went on.
"Maybe in a hundred years' time. Who knows?" said the fairy.
"Oh! What would make her waken?" asked the Queen weeplng.
"Love," replied the fairy. "If a man of pure heart were to fall in love with her, that would bring her back to life!"
"How can a man fall in love with a sleeping girl?" sobbed the Queen, and so heart-broken was she that, a few days later, she died. The sleeping Princess was taken to her room and laid on the bed surrounded by garlands of flowers. She was so beautiful, with a sweet face, not like those of the dead, but pink like those who are sleeping peacefully. The good fairy said to herself,
"When she wakens, who is she going to see around her? Strange faces and people she doesn't know? I can never let that happen. It would be too painful for this unfortunate girl."
So the fairy cast a spell; and everyone that lived in the castle - soldiers, ministers, guards, servants, ladies, pages, cooks, maids and knights - all fell into a deep sleep, wherever they were at that very moment.
"Now," thought the fairy, "when the Princess wakes up, they too will awaken, and life will go on from there." And she left the castle, now wrapped in silence. Not a sound was to be heard, nothing moved except for the clocks, but when they too ran down, they stopped, and time stopped with them. Not even the faintest rustle was to be heard, only the wind whistling round the turrets, not a single voice, only the cry of birds.
The years sped past. In the castle grounds, the trees grew tall. The bushes became thick and straggling, the grass invaded the courtyards and the creepers spread up the walls. In a hundred years, a dense forest grew up.
Now, it so happened that a Prince arrived in these parts. He was the son of a king in a country close by. Young, handsome and melancholy, he sought in solitude everything he could not find in the company of other men: serenity, sincerity and purity. Wandering on his trusty steed he arrived, one day, at the dark forest. Being adventurous, he decided to explore it. He made his way through slowly and with a struggle, for the trees and bushes grew in a thick tangle. A few hours later, now losing heart, he was about to turn his horse and go back when he thought he could see something through the trees . . . He pushed back the branches . . . Wonder of wonders! There in front of him stood a castle with high towers. The young man stood stock still in amazement,
"I wonder who this castle belongs to?" he thought.
The young Prince rode on towards the castle. The drawbridge was down and, holding his horse by the reins, he crossed over it. Immediately he saw the inhabitants draped all over the steps, the halls and courtyards, and said to himself,
"Good heavens! They're dead!" But in a moment, he realised that they were sound asleep. "Wake up! Wake up!" he shouted, but nobody moved. Still thoroughly astonished, he went into the castle and again discovered more people, lying fast asleep on the floor. As though led by a hand in the complete silence, the Prince finally reached the room where the beautiful Princess lay fast asleep. For a long time he stood gazing at her face, so full of serenity, so peaceful, lovely and pure, and he felt spring to his heart that love he had always been searching for and never found. Overcome by emotion, he went close, lifted the girl's little white hand and gently kissed it . . .
At that kiss, the prlncess qulckly opened her eyes, and wakening from her long long sleep, seeing the Prince beside her, murmured:
"Oh, you have come at last! I was waiting for you in my dream. I've waited so long!"
Just then, the spell was broken. The Princess rose to her feet, holding out her hand to the Prince. And the whole castle woke up too. Everybody rose to their feet and they all stared round in amazement, wondering what had happened. When they finally realised, they rushed to the Princess, more beautiful and happier then ever.
A few days later, the castle that only a short time before had lain in silence, now rang with the sound of singing, music and happy laughter at the great party given in honour of the Prince and Princess, who were getting married. They lived happily ever after, as they always do in fairy tales, not quite so often, however, in real life.
"When you are sixteen, you will injure yourself with a spindle and die!"
"Oh, no!" screamed the Queen in horror. A good fairy quickly chanted a magic spell to change the curse. When she hurt herself, the girl would fall into a very deep sleep instead of dying.
The years went by, the little Princess grew and became the most beautiful girl in the whole kingdom. Her mother was always very careful to keep her away from spindles, but the Princess, on her sixteenth birthday, as she wandered through the castle, came into a room where an old servant was spinning.
"What are you doing?" she asked the servant.
"I'm spinning. Haven't you seen a spindle before?"
"No. Let me see it!" The servant handed the girl the spindle ... and she pricked herself with it and. with a sigh, dropped to the floor.
The terrified old woman hurried to tell the Queen. Beside herself with anguish, the Queen did her best to awaken her daughter but in vain. The court doctors and wizards were called, but there was nothing they could do. The girl could not be wakened from her deep sleep. The good fairy who managed to avoid the worst of the curse came too, and the Queen said to her,
"When will my daughter waken?"
"I don't know," the fairy admitted sadly.
"In a year's time, ten years or twenty?" the Queen went on.
"Maybe in a hundred years' time. Who knows?" said the fairy.
"Oh! What would make her waken?" asked the Queen weeplng.
"Love," replied the fairy. "If a man of pure heart were to fall in love with her, that would bring her back to life!"
"How can a man fall in love with a sleeping girl?" sobbed the Queen, and so heart-broken was she that, a few days later, she died. The sleeping Princess was taken to her room and laid on the bed surrounded by garlands of flowers. She was so beautiful, with a sweet face, not like those of the dead, but pink like those who are sleeping peacefully. The good fairy said to herself,
"When she wakens, who is she going to see around her? Strange faces and people she doesn't know? I can never let that happen. It would be too painful for this unfortunate girl."
So the fairy cast a spell; and everyone that lived in the castle - soldiers, ministers, guards, servants, ladies, pages, cooks, maids and knights - all fell into a deep sleep, wherever they were at that very moment.
"Now," thought the fairy, "when the Princess wakes up, they too will awaken, and life will go on from there." And she left the castle, now wrapped in silence. Not a sound was to be heard, nothing moved except for the clocks, but when they too ran down, they stopped, and time stopped with them. Not even the faintest rustle was to be heard, only the wind whistling round the turrets, not a single voice, only the cry of birds.
The years sped past. In the castle grounds, the trees grew tall. The bushes became thick and straggling, the grass invaded the courtyards and the creepers spread up the walls. In a hundred years, a dense forest grew up.
Now, it so happened that a Prince arrived in these parts. He was the son of a king in a country close by. Young, handsome and melancholy, he sought in solitude everything he could not find in the company of other men: serenity, sincerity and purity. Wandering on his trusty steed he arrived, one day, at the dark forest. Being adventurous, he decided to explore it. He made his way through slowly and with a struggle, for the trees and bushes grew in a thick tangle. A few hours later, now losing heart, he was about to turn his horse and go back when he thought he could see something through the trees . . . He pushed back the branches . . . Wonder of wonders! There in front of him stood a castle with high towers. The young man stood stock still in amazement,
"I wonder who this castle belongs to?" he thought.
The young Prince rode on towards the castle. The drawbridge was down and, holding his horse by the reins, he crossed over it. Immediately he saw the inhabitants draped all over the steps, the halls and courtyards, and said to himself,
"Good heavens! They're dead!" But in a moment, he realised that they were sound asleep. "Wake up! Wake up!" he shouted, but nobody moved. Still thoroughly astonished, he went into the castle and again discovered more people, lying fast asleep on the floor. As though led by a hand in the complete silence, the Prince finally reached the room where the beautiful Princess lay fast asleep. For a long time he stood gazing at her face, so full of serenity, so peaceful, lovely and pure, and he felt spring to his heart that love he had always been searching for and never found. Overcome by emotion, he went close, lifted the girl's little white hand and gently kissed it . . .
At that kiss, the prlncess qulckly opened her eyes, and wakening from her long long sleep, seeing the Prince beside her, murmured:
"Oh, you have come at last! I was waiting for you in my dream. I've waited so long!"
Just then, the spell was broken. The Princess rose to her feet, holding out her hand to the Prince. And the whole castle woke up too. Everybody rose to their feet and they all stared round in amazement, wondering what had happened. When they finally realised, they rushed to the Princess, more beautiful and happier then ever.
A few days later, the castle that only a short time before had lain in silence, now rang with the sound of singing, music and happy laughter at the great party given in honour of the Prince and Princess, who were getting married. They lived happily ever after, as they always do in fairy tales, not quite so often, however, in real life.
Why Do Women Cry???
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you
crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just
hugged him and said, "And you never will!"
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why
does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad
could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the
phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight
of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and
the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when
everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through
sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under
any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt
her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults
and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts
his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve
to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers
exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not
in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or
the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that
is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just
hugged him and said, "And you never will!"
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why
does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad
could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the
phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight
of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and
the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when
everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through
sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under
any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt
her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults
and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts
his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve
to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers
exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not
in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or
the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that
is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was
fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his
hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd
hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful
for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was
fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his
hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd
hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful
for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Sunday, April 24, 2005
NOW
I wanna know you better
Let's spend some time together
I wanna be what's on your mind
Look in my eyes they're callin'
I need your love to fall in
If you could just give me a sign
I can't get over baby
I can't get over now
I can't get over this feelin' I feel
Now, right now
If the fire inside you
Feels like I feel
Now, right now
Deep inside of me
Deep inside of me
I'm tired of make believin'
I'm lost and barely breathin'
I'm on the ceiling help me down, yeeea
So stop my heart from achin'
I'll be the risk you're takin'
And I won't rest until you're mine
I wanna show you baby
I wanna show you now
I wanna tell you this feelin' I feel
Now, right now
If the fire inside you
Feels like I feel
Now, right now
If it's love you're cravin'
It's a love worth savin'
I can't get over this feelin' I feel now, yeah
Now, right now
Let the fire inside you
Burn like I do
Now, right now
If it's love you're cravin'
It's a love worth savin'
Deep inside of me
Deep inside
Deep inside of me
Deep inside of me
Deep inside
Lyrics by Def Leppard
Let Me Be The One
Something in the way you move
Let's me get too close to you
I tremble when I look at your face
And I want all the world to see
Tonight the world belongs to me
Touch me with your animal grace
Put your hand on my heart
And feel the need in me
Let me be the one
Lead me into temptation
And show me the right side of wrong
Let me be the one
Take me in from the cold
Gimme something to hold
Let me be the one
Let me be the one
Burnin' in the afterglow
We catch the wind and let it go
Washed away like words in the sand
A passion that's so physical
Electric and untouchable
Don't want to let it slip through my hands
Put your hand on my heart
And feel the need in me
Let me be the one
Lead me into temptation
And show me the right side of wrong
Let me be the one
Take me in from the cold
Gimme something to hold
Don't let this dream pass by
Just spread your wings and fly
Reach out and touch
Let your heart just breathe me in
I'll be your oxygen
Put your hand on my heart
Feel the need in me
Let me be the one
Lead me into temptation
And show me the right side of wrong
Let me be the one
Take me in from the cold
Gimme something to hold
Let me be the one
Let me be the one
Oh, oh
Let me be the one
Let me be the one
Lyrics by Def Leppard
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
The Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style
People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and
shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't
used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in West
Texas got together and translated the "King James" into
"King Ranch" language. Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted
on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
01) Just one God.
02) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
03) No telling tales or gossipin'.
04) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
05) Put nothin' before God.
06) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
07) No killin'.
08) Watch yer mouth.
09) Don't take what ain't yers.
10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good day. One Texas Under God.
shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't
used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in West
Texas got together and translated the "King James" into
"King Ranch" language. Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted
on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
01) Just one God.
02) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
03) No telling tales or gossipin'.
04) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
05) Put nothin' before God.
06) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
07) No killin'.
08) Watch yer mouth.
09) Don't take what ain't yers.
10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good day. One Texas Under God.
Some Interesting Texas Facts
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little
known Texas facts:
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
World's first rodeo was in Pecos...July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in
North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who
was the first full time coach for Rice University, Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other
area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's
only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a
hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston..."
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.
Laredo is the world's largest inland port.
Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world's largest rose garden
with over 38,000 bushes with 500 varieties on 22 acres.
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S...rainfall record of 43"
in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by
annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height
as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after
Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities.
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is
taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning
friends. Tejas is not Mexican for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia
about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have
one egg which splits into four and they either have four males
or four females. Well...I thought it was interesting anyway!)
The first domed stadium in the U.S was the Astrodome in Houston.
AMERICAN BY BIRTH. TEXAN BY THE GRACE OF GOD!
known Texas facts:
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
World's first rodeo was in Pecos...July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in
North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who
was the first full time coach for Rice University, Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other
area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's
only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a
hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston..."
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.
Laredo is the world's largest inland port.
Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world's largest rose garden
with over 38,000 bushes with 500 varieties on 22 acres.
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S...rainfall record of 43"
in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by
annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height
as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after
Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities.
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is
taller than the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning
friends. Tejas is not Mexican for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia
about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have
one egg which splits into four and they either have four males
or four females. Well...I thought it was interesting anyway!)
The first domed stadium in the U.S was the Astrodome in Houston.
AMERICAN BY BIRTH. TEXAN BY THE GRACE OF GOD!
Wrong E-Mail Address
A couple from Michigan, who were both in marketing,
decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20
years earlier.
Because of their hectic travel and work schedules, it
was difficult to coordinate their flight schedules. So,
the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday,
with his wife flying down from Chicago the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many
years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
From: Your Husband
Sent: Tue, 1/19/2005 5:45 PM
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just got all checked in and I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20
years earlier.
Because of their hectic travel and work schedules, it
was difficult to coordinate their flight schedules. So,
the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday,
with his wife flying down from Chicago the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many
years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
From: Your Husband
Sent: Tue, 1/19/2005 5:45 PM
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just got all checked in and I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing
you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Advice For Teenagers
Advice for teenagers who think that life revolves around
them. Your parents are trying to prepare you for life
beyond high school. You think they are mean when you don't
get your way? Wait until you get out into the real world...
Parents, copy this and give it to your kids!
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high
school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until
you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till
you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so
don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool
you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from
the parasites of your parent's generation, try de-lousing the
closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing
grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get
the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance
to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in helping
you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end
up working for one.
them. Your parents are trying to prepare you for life
beyond high school. You think they are mean when you don't
get your way? Wait until you get out into the real world...
Parents, copy this and give it to your kids!
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high
school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until
you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till
you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -
they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so
don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool
you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from
the parasites of your parent's generation, try de-lousing the
closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing
grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get
the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance
to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in helping
you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end
up working for one.
The Cop & The Little Girl
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when
a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her shiny new
bike.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20
ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa
to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse
you got there Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her shiny new
bike.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20
ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa
to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse
you got there Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
We Don't List 'Mother' As An Occupation...
A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the
County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to
state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to
classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job, or are you just a...?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife'
covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in
the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk
was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed
of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town
Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know...The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development
and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in
midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated
the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I
stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black
ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you
do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard
myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for
my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four
credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the
most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree.?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the
job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and
the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to
the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous
new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and
3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old
baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal
pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished
and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's
a title on the door. Does this make Grandmothers "Senior Research
Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"
and Great Grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research
Assistants".
County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to
state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to
classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder,
"do you have a job, or are you just a...?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife'
covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in
the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk
was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed
of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town
Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know...The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development
and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in
midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated
the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I
stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black
ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you
do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard
myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for
my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four
credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the
most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree.?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the
job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and
the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as
she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to
the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous
new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and
3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old
baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal
pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished
and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's
a title on the door. Does this make Grandmothers "Senior Research
Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"
and Great Grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research
Assistants".
PRICELESS HANGOVER
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't
believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black
eye staring > back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave
me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose Bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time...Priceless!!!
believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to
a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black
eye staring > back at him in the bathroom mirror, and
notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave
me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose Bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time...Priceless!!!
Password...
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at
the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would
now need to enter a password...Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made
it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would
now need to enter a password...Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made
it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Blondes Are More Fun...
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".
Men
OK you guys, don't take any offense to this, but
some of them are funny. Talk about male bashing!
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world
to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb,
and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
some of them are funny. Talk about male bashing!
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in
between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world
to revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb,
and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What Religion Are Your Ladies?
A man walked into a department store and went to the women's department on an errand for his wife. He told the sales lady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look the sales lady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the Masses.
The Salvation Army lifts up the Fallen.
Presbyterian type keeps them Staunch and Upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?" She replied, "They make mountains out of mole-hills."
"Ah, now I remember" said the sales lady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the Masses.
The Salvation Army lifts up the Fallen.
Presbyterian type keeps them Staunch and Upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?" She replied, "They make mountains out of mole-hills."
A Skilled Hunter
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again.
This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!"
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again.
This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!"
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"
Having Mom Over For Dinner
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one.
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During
the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but
keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie,
was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more
between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are
just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send
her a e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his
mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact
remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During
the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but
keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie,
was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more
between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are
just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took
it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send
her a e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his
mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact
remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Lizard Birthing Story
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to
take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face
and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she
said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,
you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet ," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage
in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted
to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is young male. And
occasionally, as they come in to maturity, like most male
species, they um...um....masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...
excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30..
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wanker...Priceless!
through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to
take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face
and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she
said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,
you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to
do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly
tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet ," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage
in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted
to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is young male. And
occasionally, as they come in to maturity, like most male
species, they um...um....masturbate. Just the way he did,
lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well,
you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...
excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront
to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was
glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30..
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wanker...Priceless!
If I Ever Get Like This Shoot Me!!!
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long
service at their church. One leaned over and whispered,
"My butt is going to sleep." Her friend leaned over
and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times.
*****************************************************************
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car had been broken into. She was
hysterical as she explained her situation to the
dispatcher: "They stole the stereo, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
*****************************************************************
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't
know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
*****************************************************************
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
*****************************************************************
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently
for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
*****************************************************************
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
*****************************************************************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know
we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
*****************************************************************
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"
*****************************************************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman
in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So,
she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her
and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
service at their church. One leaned over and whispered,
"My butt is going to sleep." Her friend leaned over
and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times.
*****************************************************************
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car had been broken into. She was
hysterical as she explained her situation to the
dispatcher: "They stole the stereo, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
*****************************************************************
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't
know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
*****************************************************************
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
*****************************************************************
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently
for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
*****************************************************************
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
*****************************************************************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know
we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
*****************************************************************
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"
*****************************************************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman
in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So,
she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her
and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
What Tree Did You Fall From???
Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is fun and
somewhat accurate in line with Celtic astrology...
Dec 23 to Jan 01 Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) Beech Tree
Your Tree (in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.
Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally SOFT!, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist!, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
somewhat accurate in line with Celtic astrology...
Dec 23 to Jan 01 Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) Beech Tree
Your Tree (in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.
Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally SOFT!, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist!, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
Baptist Minister In East Texas
A hard-shell Baptist Minister from deep within the piney
woods of East Texas decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.
So for his sermon he placed four worms into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Baptist Minister reported the
following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you
learn from this demonstration?
Little 90 year old Etta Jones, sitting in the back of the
church quickly raised her hand and said; "Preacher, as long
as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Amen...the congregation all agreed!!!
woods of East Texas decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.
So for his sermon he placed four worms into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Baptist Minister reported the
following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you
learn from this demonstration?
Little 90 year old Etta Jones, sitting in the back of the
church quickly raised her hand and said; "Preacher, as long
as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Amen...the congregation all agreed!!!
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