A lot of folks can't understand how we came to
have an oil shortage here in America.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma
and
TEXAS
~~~
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in
Washington DC...
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Things Stressed Women Say at Work
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Un-fuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make up
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence
and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you
realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make up
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap.
You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence
and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you
realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?
Pluto Retrograde Begins
Pluto goes Retrograde on March 27, 2005 at 24°Sg31', and
will stay in Retrograde until it goes direct on September 2,
2005.
Although the official period of time for this Pluto Retrograde
will last about six months, the affects (known as the Shadow
Period) last much longer - starting some weeks before the planet
retrogrades and ending some weeks after the planet goes direct.
Fresh starts and dead ends accompany Pluto's retrograde stage.
The things that we hang onto most tightly can suddenly be taken
away. Pluto's retrograde is also a time of destruction and
rebuilding, rejuvenation and regeneration. We may be forced to
reevaluate the things we value most. Heavy forces that are
outside of an individual's control are at play, including war,
weapons and government upheaval.
will stay in Retrograde until it goes direct on September 2,
2005.
Although the official period of time for this Pluto Retrograde
will last about six months, the affects (known as the Shadow
Period) last much longer - starting some weeks before the planet
retrogrades and ending some weeks after the planet goes direct.
Fresh starts and dead ends accompany Pluto's retrograde stage.
The things that we hang onto most tightly can suddenly be taken
away. Pluto's retrograde is also a time of destruction and
rebuilding, rejuvenation and regeneration. We may be forced to
reevaluate the things we value most. Heavy forces that are
outside of an individual's control are at play, including war,
weapons and government upheaval.
Star Trek Guide to Neo-Paganism
Gene Rodenberry went to his grave, telling stories that,
although they supposedly happened light years away, were
relevant to our every day lives. From the beginning, he
claimed that the characters and races on Star Trek were
parallels for people here on Earth. Little did anyone
know that the characters were actually taking on traits
of Neo-Pagan sects across the country! Was Gene Pagan?
Who knows, but sit back and enjoy this little trip,
where no Pagan has gone before...
Wiccans - The United Federation of Planets
The Federation means well. They let just about everybody
into their little social club, so long as they agree to
play nice. They don't talk about rules much, but keep
referring to one Prime Directive that all other laws are
based on. That said, they frequently violate that rule
when the need suits them. Often heard speaking in various
UK accents, even though they're not from the islands
(Et tu, Jean-Luc?)
Asatruar - Klingons
Obsessed with honor and combat. Have no qualms with eating
meat and eat it with obvious relish. Insist they did
everything first ("But Hamlet is so much better in the
original Klingon.") And who wants Klingon opera, when
you can have Wagner's Die Neibelung?
Ceremonialists - Vulcans
Have you ever heard someone say, "Excuse, I was reading
this and wanted to tell you: "anal retentive" has a
hyphen in it."? Everything is very orderly in their
universe. No room for untidy things like emotions
and the like.
Druids - Bajorans
(with special guests: the Tuatha de Dannan as The Prophets)
You cannot separate the Bajorans from their faith.
Religion permeates the very air they breathe. Although
this should be a unifying force on their devastated
environment, they are constantly fighting with one
another. Like many other races, they are subject
to charismatic leaders.
New Agers - Betazoids
Profoundly psychic when you don't want them to be; dense
as a rock (crystal) when you actually need some help.
Spend an awful lot of time talking about "vibes" and
are perpetually concerned with how others feel. If they
weren't so damn cute, you'd just want to smack them.
You only see the women of this race.
Numerologists / Kabbalahists - Binars
Numbers are everything, don't you know. Can loudly
pronounce a given number (93!) and have people laugh
at it like it was a punch line. Draws all sorts of
really interesting links between things based on the
numerological significance. Socially uncouth. The only
difference between the Binars and numerologists is that
Binars have mates that understand them.
Setians / Satanists - The Skin of Evil
(the oil slick that killed Tasha Yar) A long time ago, a
race decided to sluff off all their evil, mean and nasty
emotions. They physically excreted these emotions into a
big pile of black ooze. The race bailed off the planet,
leaving the ooze which, over time, became sentient...
sort of, and delights in causing fear and pain in others.
Dianics - The Women of Angel 1
Imagine a planet where women are in charge! It is a
wonderful, peaceful place. Everyone gets along all the
time and no one ever goes hungry. Yeah, right. Behind
the facade of perfect love and perfect trust and
gyno-unity, there is an iron fist in that velvet glove.
And, suprise, suprise, the gynarchy is subject to the same
power struggles and in-fighting that the rest of us are.
KayOs MagicKians - The Children of Tama
(Damok & Jilad on the ocean) I know I'm speaking English,
and I know that THEY are speaking English. However,
sometimes, you just can't seem to understand what these
souls are trying to tell you. Although they have something
valid and wonderful to share with the Federation, what
they have to say is mired in a language that excludes more
than it includes. Fnord.
Llewellyn Publications - the Borg
Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. Your
history and beliefs will become part of the Borg
Collective, where they will be watered down and
spread out evenly between everyone in our race.
Lower your shields and hand over your money;
resistance is futile.
although they supposedly happened light years away, were
relevant to our every day lives. From the beginning, he
claimed that the characters and races on Star Trek were
parallels for people here on Earth. Little did anyone
know that the characters were actually taking on traits
of Neo-Pagan sects across the country! Was Gene Pagan?
Who knows, but sit back and enjoy this little trip,
where no Pagan has gone before...
Wiccans - The United Federation of Planets
The Federation means well. They let just about everybody
into their little social club, so long as they agree to
play nice. They don't talk about rules much, but keep
referring to one Prime Directive that all other laws are
based on. That said, they frequently violate that rule
when the need suits them. Often heard speaking in various
UK accents, even though they're not from the islands
(Et tu, Jean-Luc?)
Asatruar - Klingons
Obsessed with honor and combat. Have no qualms with eating
meat and eat it with obvious relish. Insist they did
everything first ("But Hamlet is so much better in the
original Klingon.") And who wants Klingon opera, when
you can have Wagner's Die Neibelung?
Ceremonialists - Vulcans
Have you ever heard someone say, "Excuse, I was reading
this and wanted to tell you: "anal retentive" has a
hyphen in it."? Everything is very orderly in their
universe. No room for untidy things like emotions
and the like.
Druids - Bajorans
(with special guests: the Tuatha de Dannan as The Prophets)
You cannot separate the Bajorans from their faith.
Religion permeates the very air they breathe. Although
this should be a unifying force on their devastated
environment, they are constantly fighting with one
another. Like many other races, they are subject
to charismatic leaders.
New Agers - Betazoids
Profoundly psychic when you don't want them to be; dense
as a rock (crystal) when you actually need some help.
Spend an awful lot of time talking about "vibes" and
are perpetually concerned with how others feel. If they
weren't so damn cute, you'd just want to smack them.
You only see the women of this race.
Numerologists / Kabbalahists - Binars
Numbers are everything, don't you know. Can loudly
pronounce a given number (93!) and have people laugh
at it like it was a punch line. Draws all sorts of
really interesting links between things based on the
numerological significance. Socially uncouth. The only
difference between the Binars and numerologists is that
Binars have mates that understand them.
Setians / Satanists - The Skin of Evil
(the oil slick that killed Tasha Yar) A long time ago, a
race decided to sluff off all their evil, mean and nasty
emotions. They physically excreted these emotions into a
big pile of black ooze. The race bailed off the planet,
leaving the ooze which, over time, became sentient...
sort of, and delights in causing fear and pain in others.
Dianics - The Women of Angel 1
Imagine a planet where women are in charge! It is a
wonderful, peaceful place. Everyone gets along all the
time and no one ever goes hungry. Yeah, right. Behind
the facade of perfect love and perfect trust and
gyno-unity, there is an iron fist in that velvet glove.
And, suprise, suprise, the gynarchy is subject to the same
power struggles and in-fighting that the rest of us are.
KayOs MagicKians - The Children of Tama
(Damok & Jilad on the ocean) I know I'm speaking English,
and I know that THEY are speaking English. However,
sometimes, you just can't seem to understand what these
souls are trying to tell you. Although they have something
valid and wonderful to share with the Federation, what
they have to say is mired in a language that excludes more
than it includes. Fnord.
Llewellyn Publications - the Borg
Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. Your
history and beliefs will become part of the Borg
Collective, where they will be watered down and
spread out evenly between everyone in our race.
Lower your shields and hand over your money;
resistance is futile.
Mercury Retrograde Officially Begins
An official Retrograde period of Mercury starts on March 20th,
2005 at 14 Aries and will remain until Mercury stations Direct
on April 12th, 2005.
Although the official period of time for this Mercury Retrograde
only will last about three weeks, the affects (known as the
Shadow Period) last much longer. This Shadow period began March
6, 2005 and won't end until May 3, 2005.
Mercury Retrograde is generally a time of difficulty with
communication: verbal, written, and electronic. Often there is a
lot of miscommunication, errors made, appointments not kept,
difficulty with printing, banking, and computers. The time is
also not kind to things of an electronic or mechanical nature:
cars, microwaves, phones, etc etc etc often act up or even break
under mysterious circumstances.
Be afraid...... be very afraid.
2005 at 14 Aries and will remain until Mercury stations Direct
on April 12th, 2005.
Although the official period of time for this Mercury Retrograde
only will last about three weeks, the affects (known as the
Shadow Period) last much longer. This Shadow period began March
6, 2005 and won't end until May 3, 2005.
Mercury Retrograde is generally a time of difficulty with
communication: verbal, written, and electronic. Often there is a
lot of miscommunication, errors made, appointments not kept,
difficulty with printing, banking, and computers. The time is
also not kind to things of an electronic or mechanical nature:
cars, microwaves, phones, etc etc etc often act up or even break
under mysterious circumstances.
Be afraid...... be very afraid.
EVIL QUIZ
If you think you've got what it takes to be a super-villain,
then please take the following placement quiz. This is to
test your evil potential, and determine whether you possess
the necessary attributes to make it in today's evil world.
QUESTION #1: How do you start your morning routine?
A) Wake up at 6:00 A.M. and sing Gary Numan merrily in the shower!
B) A five mile jog and rigorous set of exercises.
C) Hit the snooze alarm for the tenth time in as many minutes.
D) Have a cup of coffee, read the darkesthours and then plot the
downfall of western civilization.
QUESTION #2: Which of the following job skills do you possess?
A) Excellent management potential.
B) Ability to focus on the task at hand.
C) Looking busy whenever the boss walks by.
D) How to explain your master plan in under sixty seconds.
QUESTION #3: What did you want to be when you grew up?
A) A policeman
B) A doctor
C) A ballerina
D) Supreme dark overlord of all mankind. Either that or a lawyer.
QUESTION #4: Do you have any pets?
A) A big lovable dog.
B) A bird of some sort.
C) An iguana.
D) A white furry cat that you stroke constantly.
QUESTION #5: How do you normally spend your weekends?
A) Sports activities in the great outdoors.
B) Watching television.
C) Drinking pints of Guinness and singing bawdy drinking songs
D) Constructing doomsday devices in your basement.
QUESTION #6: What are your religious beliefs?
A) Monotheistic: Christian, Jewish, Muslim
B) Pantheistic: Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan
C) Atheist or Agnostic
D) I am actually an ancient Babylonian God awoken from a terrible
sleep and destined to destroy all mankind.
QUESTION #7: What torments you in your greatest nightmares?
A) A fiery building from which you cannot escape.
B) Monsters that tear you limb from limb.
C) Your ex-wife demanding alimony payments.
D) Unicorns, rainbows, and puppy dogs with big eyes.
QUESTION #8: What would you say is the greatest threat to society today?
A) Crime, drugs, and gangs.
B) Britney Spears
C) Nuclear war.
D) Me.
QUESTION #9: What is your normal reaction whenever confronted
by a holy symbol, garlic, silver weapon or holy water?
A) Feel the divine light surround your spiritual aura.
B) Bewildered confusion.
C) Chuckle at their superstitious beliefs.
D) Run away while screaming: "It burns! It burns!"
QUESTION #10: It's the end of the world. An atomic blast has just
leveled the cities and destroyed the human race. Mutants now walk
the streets and the seas have boiled away to nothing. You've just
seen your best friend torn to pieces, and civilization as you know
it is over. Do you...
A) Vow to someday rebuild society.
B) Double over in grief and wait for a painful death.
C) Try to remember the plot to "The Road Warrior."
D) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
ANSWERS:
Tally up your answers, and find out which letter you answered the
most. Mostly A's, B's or C's - You unfortunately do not possess
the necessary qualities to be an evil super-villain. Please continue
with your studies and apply again next year. Mostly D's - Excellent.
then please take the following placement quiz. This is to
test your evil potential, and determine whether you possess
the necessary attributes to make it in today's evil world.
QUESTION #1: How do you start your morning routine?
A) Wake up at 6:00 A.M. and sing Gary Numan merrily in the shower!
B) A five mile jog and rigorous set of exercises.
C) Hit the snooze alarm for the tenth time in as many minutes.
D) Have a cup of coffee, read the darkesthours and then plot the
downfall of western civilization.
QUESTION #2: Which of the following job skills do you possess?
A) Excellent management potential.
B) Ability to focus on the task at hand.
C) Looking busy whenever the boss walks by.
D) How to explain your master plan in under sixty seconds.
QUESTION #3: What did you want to be when you grew up?
A) A policeman
B) A doctor
C) A ballerina
D) Supreme dark overlord of all mankind. Either that or a lawyer.
QUESTION #4: Do you have any pets?
A) A big lovable dog.
B) A bird of some sort.
C) An iguana.
D) A white furry cat that you stroke constantly.
QUESTION #5: How do you normally spend your weekends?
A) Sports activities in the great outdoors.
B) Watching television.
C) Drinking pints of Guinness and singing bawdy drinking songs
D) Constructing doomsday devices in your basement.
QUESTION #6: What are your religious beliefs?
A) Monotheistic: Christian, Jewish, Muslim
B) Pantheistic: Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan
C) Atheist or Agnostic
D) I am actually an ancient Babylonian God awoken from a terrible
sleep and destined to destroy all mankind.
QUESTION #7: What torments you in your greatest nightmares?
A) A fiery building from which you cannot escape.
B) Monsters that tear you limb from limb.
C) Your ex-wife demanding alimony payments.
D) Unicorns, rainbows, and puppy dogs with big eyes.
QUESTION #8: What would you say is the greatest threat to society today?
A) Crime, drugs, and gangs.
B) Britney Spears
C) Nuclear war.
D) Me.
QUESTION #9: What is your normal reaction whenever confronted
by a holy symbol, garlic, silver weapon or holy water?
A) Feel the divine light surround your spiritual aura.
B) Bewildered confusion.
C) Chuckle at their superstitious beliefs.
D) Run away while screaming: "It burns! It burns!"
QUESTION #10: It's the end of the world. An atomic blast has just
leveled the cities and destroyed the human race. Mutants now walk
the streets and the seas have boiled away to nothing. You've just
seen your best friend torn to pieces, and civilization as you know
it is over. Do you...
A) Vow to someday rebuild society.
B) Double over in grief and wait for a painful death.
C) Try to remember the plot to "The Road Warrior."
D) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
ANSWERS:
Tally up your answers, and find out which letter you answered the
most. Mostly A's, B's or C's - You unfortunately do not possess
the necessary qualities to be an evil super-villain. Please continue
with your studies and apply again next year. Mostly D's - Excellent.
A . A . A . D . D.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is
mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail
in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the
trashcan is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and
take out the trash first
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the
bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is
only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers
on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set
the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills
on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some
towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I
was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills
aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the
counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only
one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get
some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is
mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail
in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the
trashcan is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and
take out the trash first
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the
bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is
only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers
on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set
the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills
on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some
towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I
was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills
aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the
counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only
one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get
some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
An Irish Friendship Wish
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
My Castle
Alcazar Castle is in Segovia, Spain it's the one of my dreams and it took me a while to find it. *grins* I wasn't looking for it this time and I finally found it.
Fast Thinking by Kids in Grade School
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now
do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
---
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now
do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
---
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Some of the Best Things About DID
Your wardrobe provides a multiple choice.
You can take 30 people to the movies, amusement park,
etc. for the price of one.
The contents of your refrigerator are always a surprise to you.
Packing for an overnight trip somewhere a couple of hours away
provides a lot more adventure than most people get backpacking
in the Himalayas.
If someone gives you a CD for a present, you can be fairly sure
that at least one of you will like it.
You can clean out your closet, and find toys that are new to you.
If you don’t know the answer, somebody else probably does.
You always have more than one significant, concerned other.
You can be in two places at the same time.
You’re never alone.
You can always send somebody else to the dentist for the
root canal.
You're always using the "buddy" system, even when swimming alone.
Even when you don't feel like working out, somebody else in
there probably does.
You never have to take responsibility for passing gas. You can
always blame it on one of the others.
For Actors, DID is not a disability, it is a job requirement.
You can take 30 people to the movies, amusement park,
etc. for the price of one.
The contents of your refrigerator are always a surprise to you.
Packing for an overnight trip somewhere a couple of hours away
provides a lot more adventure than most people get backpacking
in the Himalayas.
If someone gives you a CD for a present, you can be fairly sure
that at least one of you will like it.
You can clean out your closet, and find toys that are new to you.
If you don’t know the answer, somebody else probably does.
You always have more than one significant, concerned other.
You can be in two places at the same time.
You’re never alone.
You can always send somebody else to the dentist for the
root canal.
You're always using the "buddy" system, even when swimming alone.
Even when you don't feel like working out, somebody else in
there probably does.
You never have to take responsibility for passing gas. You can
always blame it on one of the others.
For Actors, DID is not a disability, it is a job requirement.
Wednesday, March 9, 2005
True Fish Story (You wouldn't believe it if you didn't see the attached photos...!!!)
This was a pretty interesting story from The Sunday Wichita
Eagle Newspaper a couple of weeks ago. A resident in the
area saw a ball bouncing around kind of strange in a nearby
pond and went to investigate.
Tuesday, March 8, 2005
Thoughts To Ponder
Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods
until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If
it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is
to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is
the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days,
no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it
pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial
tax cut save you 30 cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If
it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is
to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is
the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days,
no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it
pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial
tax cut save you 30 cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Best Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the best toast of the night." She said,
"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that
is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly
and said, "John won the prize the other night at the
pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, hes only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the best toast of the night." She said,
"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that
is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly
and said, "John won the prize the other night at the
pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, hes only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Your Seduction Style: The Coquette |
 You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you complete. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you. |
You Are 30 Years Old |
30 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and
Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying
on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose
ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee
beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between
Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move
you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else
in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing
a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney
really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on
every news station: STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children
are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for
work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying
on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose
ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee
beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between
Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move
you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else
in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing
a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney
really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on
every news station: STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children
are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for
work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
A Blonde & The Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each
other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each
other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Capricorn Horoscope for 3/7 - 3/13 |
This week's scenario is highlighted by a need to put your efforts into balancing family and career demands. Your desire to perform tasks and conquer challenges in your work or career is conflicting with your play and leisure requirements. Many family obligations may need to be met in the home arena, where loved ones may display excessive neediness which puts a strain on your energy level and vitality. You may be experiencing a stressful and busy time in your career, only to find yourself devoting less time to your family and personal needs. You must develop appropriate cycles for periods of work and leisure activities. If you can squeeze out some time for personal gratification, an exercise regime or an aerobics class would help provide you with an outlet to release built-up tensions in an constructive manner. This horoscope provided by Astrology Source. Learn about your inner self, friends, and lovers. |
Monday, March 7, 2005
Various Name Generators
Fairy Name Generator:
http://www.emmadavies.net/fairy/
Viking name Generator:
http://gorm.com/name/
Pagan Name Generator:
http://www.fjordstone.com/fjo/generator.html
Elf Name Generator:
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/tiffany/111/dnd/elfnamejava.html
Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names:
http://www.widdershins.org/vol3iss4/m9710.htm
and generator:
http://www.worldzone.net/art/alternika/alias/al_rcng.html#rcng1
Elvish Name generator: http://www.chriswetherell.com/elf/
Angel/demon Name Generator:
http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=adname
Random Irish Name Generator:
http://www.namenerds.com/uucn/randomirish.html
Polish Pagan Name Generator:
http://okana.org/namegen.html
Anglo-Saxon Name Generator:
http://www.geocities.com/phillipriley/ngangsax.html
Magical Name Generator:
http://yaoiville.org/bryony /fun-kicks/mgk-name.php
Wiccan Name Generator:
http://www.newmoon.uk.com/wicca/name.html
Fantasy Name Generator:
http://spitfire.ausys.se/johan/names/default.htm
Vampire Name Generator:
http://www.emmadavies.net/vampire/default.aspx?firstname=&lastname=&mf=
Craft Name Generator:
http://www.angelfire.com/de2/newconcepts/wicca/names2.html
Random Title and Name Generator:
http://title.flywheel.org/
http://www.emmadavies.net/fairy/
Viking name Generator
http://gorm.com/name/
Pagan Name Generator:
http://www.fjordstone.com/fjo/generator.html
Elf Name Generator:
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/tiffany/111/dnd/elfnamejava.html
Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names:
http://www.widdershins.org/vol3iss4/m9710.htm
and generator:
http://www.worldzone.net/art/alternika/alias/al_rcng.html#rcng1
Elvish Name generator: http://www.chriswetherell.com/elf/
Angel/demon Name Generator:
http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=adname
Random Irish Name Generator:
http://www.namenerds.com/uucn/randomirish.html
Polish Pagan Name Generator:
http://okana.org/namegen.html
Anglo-Saxon Name Generator:
http://www.geocities.com/phillipriley/ngangsax.html
Magical Name Generator:
http://yaoiville.org/bryony /fun-kicks/mgk-name.php
Wiccan Name Generator:
http://www.newmoon.uk.com/wicca/name.html
Fantasy Name Generator:
http://spitfire.ausys.se/johan/names/default.htm
Vampire Name Generator:
http://www.emmadavies.net/vampire/default.aspx?firstname=&lastname=&mf=
Craft Name Generator:
http://www.angelfire.com/de2/newconcepts/wicca/names2.html
Random Title and Name Generator:
http://title.flywheel.org/
Recipe For Forever
Gather all of the ingredients together, So that they are
close at hand!
Get a clean cloth and wipe the bowl clean of any lingering
*dust* from the past.
Take Maturity, Respect, and Friendship, and stir gently.
Add unlimited amounts of Compassion and Kindness, And mix well.
To this, add Caring by the handfuls, and fold in Trust. Continue stirring gently, adding Listening, Honesty, and large amounts of Communication. Slip in some Dreams, and Goals.
And firm pieces of Keeping Promises. Bake in a home filled with Peace, Beauty, and Serenity.
Before you taste the finished product, sprinkle liberally with Patience, Love, and a touch of Spice. Serve very hot, with Imagination on the side.
-- Author Unknown
close at hand!
Get a clean cloth and wipe the bowl clean of any lingering
*dust* from the past.
Take Maturity, Respect, and Friendship, and stir gently.
Add unlimited amounts of Compassion and Kindness, And mix well.
To this, add Caring by the handfuls, and fold in Trust. Continue stirring gently, adding Listening, Honesty, and large amounts of Communication. Slip in some Dreams, and Goals.
And firm pieces of Keeping Promises. Bake in a home filled with Peace, Beauty, and Serenity.
Before you taste the finished product, sprinkle liberally with Patience, Love, and a touch of Spice. Serve very hot, with Imagination on the side.
-- Author Unknown
Costello Calls To Buy A Computer From Abbott
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look
at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and
I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.
Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.
What I watch is none of your business.
Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word.
Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look
at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and
I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.
Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.
What I watch is none of your business.
Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word.
Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
Could This Be Roxanne???
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between
a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of
our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house
on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration
and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
“My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it!
a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of
our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house
on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted
with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration
and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
“My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheet rock..."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it!
Sunday, March 6, 2005
Cats & Dogs
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
08.00AM Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
09.30AM Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
09.40AM Oh boy! A Walk! My favorite!
10.30AM Oh boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11.30AM Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12.00PM Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
01.00PM Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
04.00PM Oh boy! To the park! My favorite!
05.00PM Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
06.00PM Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
06.30PM Oh boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
08.30PM Oh boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPT FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit in their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good cat I was. (Hmmmm, not working according to plan).
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that
my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what
this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got
to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain
he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only
a matter of time....
08.00AM Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
09.30AM Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
09.40AM Oh boy! A Walk! My favorite!
10.30AM Oh boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11.30AM Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12.00PM Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
01.00PM Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
04.00PM Oh boy! To the park! My favorite!
05.00PM Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
06.00PM Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
06.30PM Oh boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
08.30PM Oh boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPT FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit in their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
about what a good cat I was. (Hmmmm, not working according to plan).
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that
my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what
this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got
to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain
he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only
a matter of time....
Saturday, March 5, 2005
A SILVER Dragon Lies Beneath!
Your Inner Dragon is to dragons what the Ranger is to humans. Silvers are one of three types of metallic dragon, the others being Gold and Copper. Like all metallics, Silvers rigidly adhere to an internal code of conduct. Unlike the other two metallics, however, this code is not universal. Each Silver must develop their code individually, a fact which explains their unique dispositions and actions. Silvers are often considered outcasts or shadows dwelling on the periphery of dragon culture (much like human Rangers), but they can always be counted upon to speak the truth and help their allies. Because no one but a Silver knows what they'll do next, their alignment is "Chaotic Neutral."
Being a Silver isn't all shady head-games, though. You possess considerable intelligence and self-confidence (whether they manifest themselves or not), and given the opportunity could make a great leader. Magic isn't really your bag, but you're awfully good at slipping in and out of a situation or conflict undetected. Which, by the way, may be due to your slightly-below-average size more than anything else. Your favorable attributes are dependability, durability, problem-solving, mist, fog, silver, and pewter. Like your human counterpart - the Ranger - you're a superb weapons user and have an especially good command of your icy breath weapon. Just keep in mind that even your friends may find your ethics hard to accept from time to time.
Click the link above to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.
Being a Silver isn't all shady head-games, though. You possess considerable intelligence and self-confidence (whether they manifest themselves or not), and given the opportunity could make a great leader. Magic isn't really your bag, but you're awfully good at slipping in and out of a situation or conflict undetected. Which, by the way, may be due to your slightly-below-average size more than anything else. Your favorable attributes are dependability, durability, problem-solving, mist, fog, silver, and pewter. Like your human counterpart - the Ranger - you're a superb weapons user and have an especially good command of your icy breath weapon. Just keep in mind that even your friends may find your ethics hard to accept from time to time.
Click the link above to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.
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