A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected...
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Things to Ponder
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of
the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when his team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
This is way scary. ???????
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of
the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when his team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
This is way scary. ???????
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
"Honey, What's For Dinner?"
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this.)
"Earl, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this.)
"Earl, for the 5th time, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"
Friends
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die
Before you do
I'll go to heaven
And wait for you
I'll give the angels
Back their wings
And risk the loss
Of everything
Just to prove
My friendship is true
I'm thankful to have
Family and Friends like you!
Life Explained
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go
to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the
other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll
do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play,
have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that
makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we
do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the
last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained.
to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the
other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day
by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll
do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play,
have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! No way, man. Tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that
makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we
do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the
last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
The World's 22 Thinnest Books:
22. FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Transplant
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed
to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon
popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some
bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have
to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc,
what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with,
but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before
I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on
the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's
the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best
golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and
my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting
has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear
the transplant was such a great success. Are you
having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I
get an erection, I also get a headache.
to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon
popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some
bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have
to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc,
what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with,
but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before
I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on
the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's
the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best
golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and
my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting
has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear
the transplant was such a great success. Are you
having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I
get an erection, I also get a headache.
Men Are Just Happier People--What Do You Expect From Such Simple Creatures?
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky. - You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt. - Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
New Meanings For Old Words
The Washington Post has again published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for common
words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die,
your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Texan
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle,
pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with
Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey,
you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy
in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double
bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?"
the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped,
so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders
them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks
up his car and drives all over town looking for the
Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he
finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he
feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his
newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with
Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey,
you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy
in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double
bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?"
the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped,
so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders
them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks
up his car and drives all over town looking for the
Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he
finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he
feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his
newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Friday, June 24, 2005
Caught Red-Handed
A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him
that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see
the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man
looked for himself he saw that there were people in the
shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that
no one was in the area to help him at that time,
but they would send someone over as soon as they
were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then
phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just
called you a minute ago because there were people
in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police
cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that
you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said
there was nobody available!"
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Therapy Session Is In...
"then I spent my 6th life looking out for number 1,
my 7th being co-dependent, and my 8th life doing 12
steps. I have only one life left and I'm really
worried...
What if I have to spend it...
NORMAL?!?!?!
Ripples In Time
Thoughts words and actions
Have lasting affects on everything
A melodious tone of voice
The engaging sound of laughter
A soft caring and healing touch
A kiss full of innocent surrender
Showing love and affection
Can mean the difference
In life and how you respond
To others and even ourselves.
~ Minxy Kitten ~
June 21, 2005
Transformation
Blinding rage
Searing pain
Anguished mind
Disassociation
Difficult
Hidden past
Lost key
Mindlessness needed
Blank mind
Growing shadows
Engulfing darkness.
Soothing pain
Healing love
Tranquil mind
Association
Rewarding
Recovered past
Gifted key
Mindful need
Surfacing thoughts
Lifting fog
Blinding light.
~ Minxy Kitten ~
June 21, 2005
Unconditional Love
Unconditional love,
Absolute acceptance,
Unrestrained heart,
Trustworthy confidant,
Unwavering loyalty.
An afflicted heart
Can heal with love.
An exceptional person
Can spark that process.
~ Minxy Kitten ~
June 21, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
New Travel Guide To Texas
Like it or not, the new White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.
Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, and Dell Computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.
Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans; this will get your ass kicked into next week.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home - before we kick it.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.
Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime-infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.
DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.
Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
Enjoy your visit.
Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, and Dell Computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.
Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans; this will get your ass kicked into next week.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home - before we kick it.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.
Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime-infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.
DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.
Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
Enjoy your visit.
Men Their Five Deadly Sins
*I did not write this but I found it interesting*
1. Why won't men stop and ask for directions?
WHILE men were hunters, they learned a good sense of direction and how to retrace their steps by feel, so they could travel for a long distances and find their way home again.
Today, one in three men know instinctively what way north is something only one in five women can do. Women did not venture alone past the horizon they did not need to so they learned to navigate by landmarks. If a woman could see a tree, or a lake or a hill, she could find her way around it and get home again.
This is the key to how a man should give a woman directions. If he tells her to go to the road with the giant oak tree, then head to the pink building opposite the supermarket next to the lake, she'll probably get there. If he tells her to go up the A435 for two miles, then to take the third exit off the second roundabout and drive four miles north, he may well never see her again. For a man to admit he is lost is to admit failing at his number one task finding his way. And he never wants to admit that especially not to a woman.
SOLUTION: Buy a map and leave it in the car for him. Print out directions for your journey from a website on your computer and take them with you. A safe emergency strategy is to tell him you urgently need the loo, which will force him to stop preferably at a service station, where one of you can ask for directions.
2. Why do men continually offer solutions and give advice?
TO appreciate why a man insists on giving solutions to every little thing, there are several things that need to be understood about the way the male brain works.
Men evolved as hunters, and their main contribution to the survival of the human race was the ability to hit a moving target so everyone could eat, and so they could injure anyone who threatened their families or who wanted to steal their food.
As a result, men's brains evolved with a target-hitting area called the 'visual-spatial' area that allows them successfully to carry out their whole reason for being hitting targets and solving problems. They turned into results-oriented people who measure their own success by results, accomplishments and their ability to come up with solutions to problems.
As a consequence, a man still defines who he is, and his self-worth, by his problem-solving abilities and achievements. He feels that he is the one person most capable of solving his own problems, and he does not see the need to discuss them with anybody else.
This is why he will rarely talk about what is bothering him. He will ask another person's opinion only if he feels he needs an expert view and he considers this to be an intelligent move. In return, the man who is asked for his opinion feels honoured by the request.
Consequently, for a woman to offer a man advice when he did not ask for it is seen by him to be a statement that she feels he is incompetent because he can't solve his own problems. A man loves to offer advice and solutions to others, but unsolicited advice especially from a woman is not welcome.
On the other hand, a woman's brain is organized for communication through talking and the main purpose of the talk is, simply, to talk. For the most part, she is not looking for answers, and solutions are not required.
Herein lies the problem for most couples. At the end of the day, she usually wants to talk about the events in her day and to share her feelings but he thinks she is giving him her problems to fix and starts to offer solutions. She then gets upset because he won't listen to her talking, and he becomes angry because she won't accept his solutions. He thinks he is being caring and loving by solving her problems. She thinks he is indifferent or is trivializing her feelings by not listening.
SOLUTION: If a woman is stressed and needs to talk, a simple technique is to say to a man: 'I need to talk with you about several things. I don't need any solutions — I just need you to listen.' A man will be happy with this approach because he knows exactly what he is supposed to do.
If a woman is talking, and a man does not know whether she is asking for solutions, he can find out quite easily by asking: 'Would you like me to listen as a boy or a girl?'If she wants him to listen as a girl, he has only to listen. If she wants him to listen as a boy, he can offer solutions. Either way, both will be happy because they know what is expected.
3. Why do men keep flicking through the channels with the remote control?
FOR thousands of years, men would return from the hunt at the end of the day and spend the evening just gazing into the fire for long periods, without communicating. Fire-gazing was a valuable form of stress relief, and a way to recharge his batteries. For the modem man, fire-gazing still occurs at the end of the day, but now involves tools like remote controls.
However, male channel changing is a pet peeve of women everywhere. At the end of a long day, women like to relax by becoming involved in a TV show, especially anything involving emotional scenes. Her brain is organized to read the words and body language of the actors, and she likes to predict outcomes of relationship scenarios. She also enjoys watching the commercials.
Men prefer doing anything that will take their mind off a stressful situation, such as flicking through TV channels, surfing the internet, working on the car, watering the garden, working out in the gym or his favourite having sex. As long as a man concentrates on one thing, he is able to forget his own troubles and feel good about himself.
If a woman is worried about a problem, it makes no difference if she does any of these things the problem still preoccupies her multi-tracking mind and she needs to talk about it to get any relief.
SOLUTION: A woman needs to tell a man that flicking through the channels drives her crazy, and ask if he could not do it while she is watching her program. Alternatively, she can try hiding the remote control. Or, as a last resort, she can buy her own TV set with her own remote control.
4. Why do men love tasteless jokes?
MALE brains have an amazing capacity for remembering and storing jokes. Males think it is hilarious to be crude, whereas to most women, none of it is remotely funny. Jokes are so important as a communication medium to men that whenever there is a global tragedy, the world's email networks and faxes are swamped with men sending tragedy related jokes.
Herein lies the difference in men and women in handling serious emotional issues. Women deal with calamity or tragedy by openly expressing their emotions to others, but men withhold their emotions because showing them could be seen as weakness.
Laughing and crying are closely linked from a psychological and physiological standpoint. They both instruct the brain to release endorphins into the blood stream. An endorphin is a chemical that has a similar composition to morphine and heroin, and has a tranquillizing effect on the body.
The harder it is for a man to talk about an emotional event, the more he will laugh when told a joke about it however heartless and insensitive it may seem to women. Men rarely talk about their sex lives to other men, so they tell jokes about it as a way of discussing it. Women however, will discuss their sex lives with their girlfriends in graphic detail, without the aid of any jokes.
SOLUTION: You should know John sat still as the fortune-teller gazed into her crystal ball. Suddenly, she started to laugh loudly. John leaned across and punched her on the nose. Finally, he'd struck a happy medium that as long as there are Irishmen, there will be Irish jokes. Or Asian or Aussie or feminist jokes. And every time there's a tragedy, it will invariably spawn its own set of jokes. Being offended is a choice. And choosing offence tells the world that you are unable to come to terms with the problem addressed by the joke that you aren't in control of your own emotions or are not prepared to face a situation.
If a man insists on telling inappropriate jokes at the wrong time or place, tell him you don't like it and you want him to stop. If he continues to do it, simply walk away and do something else. Or you could strike up a conversation about his jokes with the line: 'Do you know any jokes that aren't nasty?' and so turn the talk to a general discussion about the nature of humor.
5. Why do men make such a fuss about going shopping?
HUNTER man developed a form of tunnel vision, (which enabled him to move directly from A to B in a straight path. The amount of zigzagging through shoppers and stores needed for a successful shopping expedition makes him feel extremely uneasy. Men were creatures that made a quick kill and went home again. Today, that's exactly how they like to shop. Women shop the same way their ancestors gathered food heading off for the day with a group of other women to a place where someone saw some tasty things growing.
They spent the day wandering, squeezing, smelling, tasting and feeling, and if nothing was ripe they returned home. The next day they went to another place, until they found something worth picking and taking home. Research shows that most men find shopping not only unenjoyable, but actually stressful and therefore physically bad for them. For women, however, it is a much loved form of stress relief.
SOLUTIONS: There are ways to make men feel more positive about the shopping experience. Firstly, if you are food shopping, let the man push the trolley. He will like being in control and 'driving'. He will also like to pack the shopping into bags at the checkout it uses his spatial skills.
Ask him what he likes to eat and add it to the trolley treat it as his reward. Shopping is not hard-wired into the male brain, so incentives are needed. When shopping for clothes, remember most men have a shopping attention span of 30 minutes. If you must take him with you, do it near a hardware store so at least he can go off and look at a new DIY gadget for a while.
If you leave him outside a changing room, get him something to eat first. If you want his opinion, ask if he likes what you are wearing not which of two or three outfits he prefers.
1. Why won't men stop and ask for directions?
WHILE men were hunters, they learned a good sense of direction and how to retrace their steps by feel, so they could travel for a long distances and find their way home again.
Today, one in three men know instinctively what way north is something only one in five women can do. Women did not venture alone past the horizon they did not need to so they learned to navigate by landmarks. If a woman could see a tree, or a lake or a hill, she could find her way around it and get home again.
This is the key to how a man should give a woman directions. If he tells her to go to the road with the giant oak tree, then head to the pink building opposite the supermarket next to the lake, she'll probably get there. If he tells her to go up the A435 for two miles, then to take the third exit off the second roundabout and drive four miles north, he may well never see her again. For a man to admit he is lost is to admit failing at his number one task finding his way. And he never wants to admit that especially not to a woman.
SOLUTION: Buy a map and leave it in the car for him. Print out directions for your journey from a website on your computer and take them with you. A safe emergency strategy is to tell him you urgently need the loo, which will force him to stop preferably at a service station, where one of you can ask for directions.
2. Why do men continually offer solutions and give advice?
TO appreciate why a man insists on giving solutions to every little thing, there are several things that need to be understood about the way the male brain works.
Men evolved as hunters, and their main contribution to the survival of the human race was the ability to hit a moving target so everyone could eat, and so they could injure anyone who threatened their families or who wanted to steal their food.
As a result, men's brains evolved with a target-hitting area called the 'visual-spatial' area that allows them successfully to carry out their whole reason for being hitting targets and solving problems. They turned into results-oriented people who measure their own success by results, accomplishments and their ability to come up with solutions to problems.
As a consequence, a man still defines who he is, and his self-worth, by his problem-solving abilities and achievements. He feels that he is the one person most capable of solving his own problems, and he does not see the need to discuss them with anybody else.
This is why he will rarely talk about what is bothering him. He will ask another person's opinion only if he feels he needs an expert view and he considers this to be an intelligent move. In return, the man who is asked for his opinion feels honoured by the request.
Consequently, for a woman to offer a man advice when he did not ask for it is seen by him to be a statement that she feels he is incompetent because he can't solve his own problems. A man loves to offer advice and solutions to others, but unsolicited advice especially from a woman is not welcome.
On the other hand, a woman's brain is organized for communication through talking and the main purpose of the talk is, simply, to talk. For the most part, she is not looking for answers, and solutions are not required.
Herein lies the problem for most couples. At the end of the day, she usually wants to talk about the events in her day and to share her feelings but he thinks she is giving him her problems to fix and starts to offer solutions. She then gets upset because he won't listen to her talking, and he becomes angry because she won't accept his solutions. He thinks he is being caring and loving by solving her problems. She thinks he is indifferent or is trivializing her feelings by not listening.
SOLUTION: If a woman is stressed and needs to talk, a simple technique is to say to a man: 'I need to talk with you about several things. I don't need any solutions — I just need you to listen.' A man will be happy with this approach because he knows exactly what he is supposed to do.
If a woman is talking, and a man does not know whether she is asking for solutions, he can find out quite easily by asking: 'Would you like me to listen as a boy or a girl?'If she wants him to listen as a girl, he has only to listen. If she wants him to listen as a boy, he can offer solutions. Either way, both will be happy because they know what is expected.
3. Why do men keep flicking through the channels with the remote control?
FOR thousands of years, men would return from the hunt at the end of the day and spend the evening just gazing into the fire for long periods, without communicating. Fire-gazing was a valuable form of stress relief, and a way to recharge his batteries. For the modem man, fire-gazing still occurs at the end of the day, but now involves tools like remote controls.
However, male channel changing is a pet peeve of women everywhere. At the end of a long day, women like to relax by becoming involved in a TV show, especially anything involving emotional scenes. Her brain is organized to read the words and body language of the actors, and she likes to predict outcomes of relationship scenarios. She also enjoys watching the commercials.
Men prefer doing anything that will take their mind off a stressful situation, such as flicking through TV channels, surfing the internet, working on the car, watering the garden, working out in the gym or his favourite having sex. As long as a man concentrates on one thing, he is able to forget his own troubles and feel good about himself.
If a woman is worried about a problem, it makes no difference if she does any of these things the problem still preoccupies her multi-tracking mind and she needs to talk about it to get any relief.
SOLUTION: A woman needs to tell a man that flicking through the channels drives her crazy, and ask if he could not do it while she is watching her program. Alternatively, she can try hiding the remote control. Or, as a last resort, she can buy her own TV set with her own remote control.
4. Why do men love tasteless jokes?
MALE brains have an amazing capacity for remembering and storing jokes. Males think it is hilarious to be crude, whereas to most women, none of it is remotely funny. Jokes are so important as a communication medium to men that whenever there is a global tragedy, the world's email networks and faxes are swamped with men sending tragedy related jokes.
Herein lies the difference in men and women in handling serious emotional issues. Women deal with calamity or tragedy by openly expressing their emotions to others, but men withhold their emotions because showing them could be seen as weakness.
Laughing and crying are closely linked from a psychological and physiological standpoint. They both instruct the brain to release endorphins into the blood stream. An endorphin is a chemical that has a similar composition to morphine and heroin, and has a tranquillizing effect on the body.
The harder it is for a man to talk about an emotional event, the more he will laugh when told a joke about it however heartless and insensitive it may seem to women. Men rarely talk about their sex lives to other men, so they tell jokes about it as a way of discussing it. Women however, will discuss their sex lives with their girlfriends in graphic detail, without the aid of any jokes.
SOLUTION: You should know John sat still as the fortune-teller gazed into her crystal ball. Suddenly, she started to laugh loudly. John leaned across and punched her on the nose. Finally, he'd struck a happy medium that as long as there are Irishmen, there will be Irish jokes. Or Asian or Aussie or feminist jokes. And every time there's a tragedy, it will invariably spawn its own set of jokes. Being offended is a choice. And choosing offence tells the world that you are unable to come to terms with the problem addressed by the joke that you aren't in control of your own emotions or are not prepared to face a situation.
If a man insists on telling inappropriate jokes at the wrong time or place, tell him you don't like it and you want him to stop. If he continues to do it, simply walk away and do something else. Or you could strike up a conversation about his jokes with the line: 'Do you know any jokes that aren't nasty?' and so turn the talk to a general discussion about the nature of humor.
5. Why do men make such a fuss about going shopping?
HUNTER man developed a form of tunnel vision, (which enabled him to move directly from A to B in a straight path. The amount of zigzagging through shoppers and stores needed for a successful shopping expedition makes him feel extremely uneasy. Men were creatures that made a quick kill and went home again. Today, that's exactly how they like to shop. Women shop the same way their ancestors gathered food heading off for the day with a group of other women to a place where someone saw some tasty things growing.
They spent the day wandering, squeezing, smelling, tasting and feeling, and if nothing was ripe they returned home. The next day they went to another place, until they found something worth picking and taking home. Research shows that most men find shopping not only unenjoyable, but actually stressful and therefore physically bad for them. For women, however, it is a much loved form of stress relief.
SOLUTIONS: There are ways to make men feel more positive about the shopping experience. Firstly, if you are food shopping, let the man push the trolley. He will like being in control and 'driving'. He will also like to pack the shopping into bags at the checkout it uses his spatial skills.
Ask him what he likes to eat and add it to the trolley treat it as his reward. Shopping is not hard-wired into the male brain, so incentives are needed. When shopping for clothes, remember most men have a shopping attention span of 30 minutes. If you must take him with you, do it near a hardware store so at least he can go off and look at a new DIY gadget for a while.
If you leave him outside a changing room, get him something to eat first. If you want his opinion, ask if he likes what you are wearing not which of two or three outfits he prefers.
Poker At It's Best
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the
table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't
wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John sat back up again and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you
liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously
admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral
costs of this offer John confirms that he is interested. She
tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons
and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m.
Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at
2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they
went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering
the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house
this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop
by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
"And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this
morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by
our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
ROFLMFAO
What a submissive definitely does not want
to hear from a Dominant...
* Oops!
* Uh oh, I could have sworn I had a key here somewhere...
* You didn't really need that right?
* Which end of this thing do I insert there?
* Don't worry, there is bound to be a locksmith open at 3AM Sunday morning.
* Sure, I promised no permanent damage, but you know hair grows back...
* Whoops! I thought that was the KY-Jelly
* If this is the KY-Jelly, then what did I just put on your.
* Shit, you can untie yourself right?
* Uh oh, if this is the tube of crazy glue, then where is the tube of KY-jelly...
* Have I ever told you about this fantasy I have about what to do with tennis balls??
* Trust me, I know what I am doing. I saw this in a movie once and it worked
* Trust me, I'm an expert, I read the entire 'Gore' series.
* Shucks, now which of us was the dominant again?
* Uh oh, I think it is stuck there. Now what do we do?
* Bye, I'm off for the weekend, don't you just love suspension bondage?
to hear from a Dominant...
* Oops!
* Uh oh, I could have sworn I had a key here somewhere...
* You didn't really need that right?
* Which end of this thing do I insert there?
* Don't worry, there is bound to be a locksmith open at 3AM Sunday morning.
* Sure, I promised no permanent damage, but you know hair grows back...
* Whoops! I thought that was the KY-Jelly
* If this is the KY-Jelly, then what did I just put on your.
* Shit, you can untie yourself right?
* Uh oh, if this is the tube of crazy glue, then where is the tube of KY-jelly...
* Have I ever told you about this fantasy I have about what to do with tennis balls??
* Trust me, I know what I am doing. I saw this in a movie once and it worked
* Trust me, I'm an expert, I read the entire 'Gore' series.
* Shucks, now which of us was the dominant again?
* Uh oh, I think it is stuck there. Now what do we do?
* Bye, I'm off for the weekend, don't you just love suspension bondage?
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