Some Laughs

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back ....or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and
walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I
like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking
at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if
we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister never lets me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If
you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing & I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on him constantly. One
day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and
she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked
to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said "No". kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
" No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when
you predict snow but don't get any...a true story...We had
a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too they were laughing so hard!