How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm)
and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm,
holding rear paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front, and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink
one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot,
drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the---cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#*$%&'s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call
local pet shot to see if they have any guinea pigs available.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor.