Two little old ladies were attending a rather long
service at their church. One leaned over and whispered,
"My butt is going to sleep." Her friend leaned over
and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times.
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car had been broken into. She was
hysterical as she explained her situation to the
dispatcher: "They stole the stereo, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard."
He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
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Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in
and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting
in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't
know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll
come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently
for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An
elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times
a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know
we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman
in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they went on through. So,
she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her
and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
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